I need to stop keeping most secrets from my friends and family. Most of my friends are not aware of how badly I suffer.
I have severe depression, with anxiety and panic attacks. I also have serious issues with migraines. The migraines, I've had started in August, 1999, while I was 8+ months pregnant with Munchkin, our favorite daughter who will be 13 in October. Usually, I have cycles of migraines: 6 months of bad headaches, then they would leave me be - other than that time of the month that most women hate. This round, we are approaching the 4 year mark on this cycle. I was about 4 months pregnant with Monkey when the severe ones started. My OB urged me to see a neurologist at the time, but either they had no openings or they refused our insurance. So, my GP and I started to play drug roulette with daily migraine meds, as well as rescue medications. This last November, I finally got into a Neurologist, and now I am on a medicine go round with her to find the right combo of meds that will help my migraines. Currently, I am getting mild migraines (ones that I can still function with for the most part) 3-4 times a week. But I am getting severe ones (ones that I cannot function with) 1-3 times a week AND sometimes they last longer than 24 hrs. I have even lost consciousness for a few minutes when one hit, and collapsed several more times. I usually end up in the ER about once a month because of these migraines.
My depression is harder to pinpoint the exact date, but I did have my first mental breakdown in September, 1997 (That is the first time I admitted something was wrong with myself emotionally, and was put on prozac at the time but a doctor at BGSU). I hated prozac as all it did was put my emotions in a box, so I could go about my daily routine without bursting into tears or explode with anger without any warning. It allowed me to get my schoolwork done, but it also made me do some idiotic things like binge drink every weekend with my neighbor across the hall (her bf was 21, so we could get the alcohol we wanted) I even called Jason while I was drunk in the middle of the night, which he thought hilarious. I have been off and on antidepressants since then. The worst pard of it is, is I frequently get this bad voice in my head telling me just to end the suffering and pain that I am not only causing myself, but that I am also causing my family and a few select friends that know most of this.
I mentioned that I was admitted to the hospital this past April/May. I had to go to the ER, because I was having a seriously bad migraine that my rescue meds didn't help with. In the course of the interview with treoge nurse, she asked if I had any thoughts of hurting myself or others. I burst into tears and told her of the voice telling me to hurt myself so my family would be better off without having to take care of me. I was then put onto suicide watch in the ER, and sat outside a curtained room next to the nurses station in a chair, since the had no free beds.
About 30 min after I got settled, the cops brought in this woman who had her face covered with a bag and handcuffed, screaming at her father, using Jesus's name in vain and saying some very nasty other things I don't want to recall. She was placed in the curtained room right infront of me. One of my panic attack set offs is screaming and yelling in an angry tone of voice, so within 30 seconds of the curtain closing after her, I start having a huge panic attack and start to get hysterical. The nurse set to watch me notices this about 5-10 min later. I ask for some xanax and my migraine meds and ask to be moved because she was upsetting me greatly- tears streaking down my face, me shaking like there is an earthquake going on, that kind of thing. I am surprised I didn't blackout, because I have done so in the past when having a panic attack. He quickly finds a bed 50ft from the room, gets me a panic attack drug, and puts in an IV to administer the migraine stuff. Jason was finally able to get there, because the super on his shift let him out a hr early from. We are then told that I was being admitted to the psych ward for observation because, obviously my depression meds and panic attack/anxiety meds aren't working At 12pm the following day I was told I was being transferred to Mount Carmel West because the ward at OSU was full and no vacancies were going to happen for at least 48 hrs. Long story short, I was there 7 days, and they gave me a "new" rx that is SNRI, instead of just a SSRI.
My several docs I see - GP, Neuro, and Psychiatrist think that they are related, and if we can get a handle on one, then the other should decrease. The number of different meds I am on (these are just my daily meds) is about 8. On top of that, I have 4 emergency migraine rescue drugs and 1 rescue panic attack/anxiety drug. I have not been online much since getting out of the hospital, partly due to the backlit screens are painful to look at, and because I am extremely tired.
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